“Men”
Dolly,
I’ve been with my bf about 2 months, and we seem fairly serious. We’ve told each other our feelings and that we love each other (he’s never said that he loved someone before, but I’m sure had the feelings etc just not saying the words) and things can’t seem better between us.
The problem is that with my ex partners, I used to smoother them – or so i was told, so i give my current partner breathing space and let him get on without me pestering him, in hope that i wouldnt pee him off – well its not worked – he likes hearing from me even when he’s with his mates or anything so when I’m quiet, it winds him up! We seem to have odd petty arguments over nothing (and always via text or msn; never in person – We’re perfect in person) such as me not contacting him, or how I’ve worded something, or something along those lines. He ends up talking to his friends for advice, and I talk to mine. His friends say I’m messing him around, and my mates say stick with him, yet I get it in the neck that I’ve done wrong for talkin to my mates about him and the situation. One minute he’s talking about the future and how maybe sometime in the near future, when he gets his own place, we could move in together. We could do things like: Go on future holidays together, plan stuff together etc…and then the next minute, he tells me we need to call it quits due to our workloads and whatnot.
We see each other every weekend and at least once through the week. I know he’s a good guy, and it takes me a lot to trust people. I just don’t understand why he runs hot and cold - I know hes worried about pushing me away – but he’s not. However, he’s not sure how to make it clear that he isn’t trying to. For once, I wouldn’t mind this guy sticking around, but he manages to confuse the heck out of me sometimes! Hope this made some sense!! Thanks 
) – Deena
Hi Deena,
I totally understand your plight. Now girl, lets discuss a few things. I’m a firm believer in actions. If a man doesn’t show me in his actions that he loves me, it doesn’t matter how many times he tells me he loves me, I won’t believe it…so I’m glad yours is showing you in actions as well as in words that he loves you. Another great thing is that I’m glad you realize your weakness in smothering people (as you’ve said) and you’re doing something about it in this relationship.
However, from the information you gave me, it seems to me like he’s the problem…not you. What was his last relationship like? I truly believe there’s something in his past relationship(s) thats still haunting him! Did he by chance tell you anything about his previous relationship? If he didn’t already, try to talk to him and see what it was like. Now, I will tell you this, guys are not like us. They don’t enjoy sitting around and talking about their exes…we do that! You can’t ask him like its a therapy session because he will shut down on you. You have to talk to him when everything is going well and he seems to be at a point where he’s opening up to you a little…make a very casual conversation out of it.
Another major problem is the fact that you both talk to your friends about issues concerning your relationships…bad idea! From my experience, you have to be very careful talking to friends about this. They mean no harm but they seem to give advice based on their particular mood at that particular moment. And these friends of yours and his…are they single, married or dating exclusively? Their relationship status also determines the way they see life and thus, the kind of advice they will give to you. So due to this, be very careful about what you discuss with your friends.
Something else to consider is the fact that you guys just recently started dating. Its only been 8 weeks and you should be taking things slow and getting to know eachother better. I’m not saying that these issues he has should not be brought forward…actually, its better that you consider them now so on that note, you’re taking the right path which a lot of women ignore. But my point is that I don’t want you to freak out if he hasn’t fully explained things to you as of yet. He will get there…just let him know that you care.
Lastly, have you really talked to him? I’m not talking about texting back and forth…or in bed after sex. You said you guys really get along in person so, have you actually held a conversation with him concerning your relationship? Have you both discussed what you eventually want out of the relationship?
Get back to me soon and let me know how things eventually turn out!
Some related postPosted on 8 September '09 by dolly, under Let's Talk.
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